I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
