Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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