I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
