My room smells like vodka and shame
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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