guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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