I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
