Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
