grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
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