you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
