This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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