apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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