She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
