do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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