Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
