If you die in college, do you die in real life?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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