this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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