hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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