we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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