I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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