Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
This is not my ceiling
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
4 words: hood of his car
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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