So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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