This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
