Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
cat food counts as protein by the way
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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