O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
