u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
