The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
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All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
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I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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