Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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