Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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