So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
