Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
