i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Randomize
