it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
