My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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