is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
