Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
