They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
