My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
this will be a night to untag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize