Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
