Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
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Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
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New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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