I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
