can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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