My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
