I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
