dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
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I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
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nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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