We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
