so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
MIDGETS
????
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
