I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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