Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
