Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
