I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
