so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
