I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
