I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
