some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.