wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
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He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
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Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.