you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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