OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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