wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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