I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Randomize
