I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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