I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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