After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
