dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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