If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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