How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
