the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
