he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
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I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
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I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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