i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
