he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
